A day at the gym

After paying for a membership to the local fitness center for the past two years, I decided the time had come to actually make an appearance. I spent 90 minutes there today and it was so intimidating I’m not sure I can go back.

I had a plan – 45 minutes on the treadmill and 60 seconds of weights. The guy on the treadmill next to me (who resembled Jessie Ventura on steroids) told me I was doing it all wrong. I’m now told I should be doing 25 percent cardio and 75 percent weights. Let’s see that would be 25 seconds on the treadmill and 75 seconds on the weight machines, I calculated.

So I jumped off the treadmill – while it was still running! That was my first mistake. The forward motion forced me to leap into the air, but thankfully I landed upright in a near perfect demi-plie’ which I hoped looked planned.

I ventured down the lane lined with machines with bars and little seats. I sat on the first machine and reached forward to pull up a bar. A kind lady walked over and gently informed me I should be laying on it face down with the bar positioned above my achilles tendons. I wasn’t exactly sure where they were, so I moved on to another station.

This one was monstrous, reaching ten feet in the air. I tried to understand the instructions, but didn’t have a clue. The manager walked up behind me and offered some help, which turned out to be more like torture. We performed unthinkable acts on nine different machines. After that, he coerced me into getting on an elliptical machine to finish out the workout. It’s like riding a bicycle “standing up” to the top of Mount Everest!

He expects me back tomorrow to work on a whole ‘nother set of muscles. First I’ve got to drive to Wal-Mart to purchase some cute work-out togs. I was the only person in the gym wearing a faded United Way T-shirt so big you couldn’t even tell I was wearing shorts. I was beyond tacky while some of the women wore tank tops that matched their socks.

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