A stone is a stone…NOT!

BABEE_thumbBy Sherry White Jeffcoat, Guest Deluded Diva

Wow, just when I had high hopes of a wonderful New Year, WHAM ! Dang, getting old isn’t for the squeamish. I don’t want to hear from you Pollyannas either about how “getting older is just getting better”, “age is just a state of mind”, “you are as old as you feel” HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Those of you that say those delusional things are all brainwashed! Orrrrr you have been extremely lucky, and don’t gain weight, look your age, or have any aches, pains, or illnesses.

Oh, I was like you too at one point, feeling pretty good for my age, blah blah blah. That was before the STONE hit me. Uh huh, the kidney stone. I had heard the stories, about how it was worse than childbirth, wah wah. Guess what? They were RIGHT!

Picture this, there I was, waiting on my sister to drive in from Florida for us to go to Memphis for Christmas and celebrate with relatives. We were talking on the phone every little bit. She gets incredibly bored when she is driving and makes all of her phone calls that she would want to make for the next month.

So here we are talking every half hour, me getting the house straight, making her bed, happy she was coming. Then the pain started. Hey that sounds sort of like that expression I love about “and that’s when the fight began ” .  I love those lines, like the husband asks the wife to hurry and put her make up on so they can go somewhere and she already has it on, and then the line goes “And that’s when the fight began”. Oh well, another day about those wonderful lines.

The pain started in my lower back, reminding me very quickly of how labor felt. Hey, I thought pregnancy was definitely not an option here for goodness sake, I am 62 years old. Hey maybe it is gas, or muscle strain from walking the terrible twosome, my two dogs, Charlie and Beau. Dang, it started creeping up my back, going around to my front, becoming more intense to the point of me thinking DO NOT TELL ME I AM GOING TO WIND UP AT THE EMERGENCY ROOM FOR CHRISTMAS!

Alas, next scene……me waiting in the room for the doctor to come in. By this time I am looking like the Hunchback of Notre Dame and can not stand up straight. The nurse makes some crazy comment about just get comfortable on the bed and the doctor will be here in a little while.

WHATTTTT? Get comfortable??? Lady, I can’t see straight, much less stand straight or even lie down. Get comfortable? Wish I could have laughed out loud at that one, but my moans overrode any other sound I could utter.

The doctor enters the room. He looks at me, and looking at his crystal ball. He says “I think you have a kidney stone”. I mean he was psychic! I thought he was nuts, we hadn’t even spoken yet, he just looked at me hunched over.

To his credit and to validate his prediction, he sent me to have a Cat Scan which confirmed his diagnosis. A tiny 2 to 3 millimeter ummmm ROCK was stuck trying to make its way where it was supposed to be going! He gave me 2 options.

One option was to be put in the hospital and let them BLAST the thing, put me to sleep, stay in the hospital OVER CHRISTMAS. ORRRRRR pump me up with strong pain pills and let me go home and hope it would pass on its own. Well I chose door number 2! Let me see, hard decision here, go have an operation, miss Christmas, or get so numbed on pain pills, I wouldn’t even care that a rock was trying to exit my body.

After I made the wise decision to take the pain pills, I went to some strange la la land where the strangest thoughts made their way into my mind. (Even more than usual) Suddenly I started thinking of all the expressions using the word stone. You would have thought he had given me mushrooms instead of pain killers.

Even as I was thinking very cloudily, I still remember singing something about “the rolling stone”, being stoned, skipping stones, stone faced, stony stare, sticks and stones may break my bones, “cast the first stone”, leave no stone unturned, there was no end to all of the “stone” expressions that kept popping into my head. La la land at least kept my mind busy keeping my mind off the real stone that was traveling in my  body.

I mean how could something as small as a tinyyyyyyy pebble cause so much pain? Andddd how do I stop this from happening again?? There are a lot of theories as to what causes them in different people, but at the beginning of all advice on the subject, everyone seemed to agree to DRINK LOTS OF WATER. I have always been a good water drinker, but had tried to not drink so much lately so I am not up all night being the gotta go gotta go right now lady.

However, pain trumps having to go to the bathroom a lot, so WATER WINS! I am the water queen now. You won’t see me without a water bottle, I order it with every meal, I am water logged! Anddd hopefully you won’t be seeing me hunched over the emergency room bed anytime soon. And hopefully no one else will have to placate me when I am on pain pills, because I became a very strange person.

My dentist’s office got a big kick out of me being out of it. I had put in a call to my urologist, and had also placed a call to my oral surgeon on my sister’s behalf. She had come in with a big lump in her mouth.(We made quite the cheerful pair for Christmas, her jaw swollen like a chipmunk, and me hunched over and loopy from pain pills).
Welllll, one of the doctor’s offices called, and said “Hey Sherry what’s going on?” I started this long detailed explanation of my foils with the kidney stone thinking it was the urologist. Suddenly the dental assistant said “Sherry I am confused.” I started thinking oh no oh no oh no, my dentist will think I am some crazy person. I started trying to explain when my sister just took the phone out of my hand dying laughing and explaining what had happened.

I did the best thing I could do. I removed myself from society, went to bed, put the covers on my head and didn’t try to think or talk for 2 days. And oh yeah, the stone passed, tiny little bugger, I got him in a cup to proudly walk into my urologist’s office to show him. Or do you think the dentist might be the one to take it to?

12 thoughts on “A stone is a stone…NOT!

  1. Dear Sherry: Been there done that too, never want to have another one. You have a great sense of humor, I’m so glad that I’ve discovered the Deluded Diva. Thanks for making me laugh through the pain!

  2. I have never been the “victim” of kidney stones but I am married to one. Hope you NEVER have another one!! Glad you made the decision to take the pain pills and wait it out.

  3. Sherry,
    Although you were in a lot of pain from what it sounds, you wrote about it in a very funny way. Glad it is “behind” you (no pun intended) and all is looking good for 2012.

    Happy New Year!!

  4. Sherry, what a holiday trip!!! So sorry you had to endure all that pain. I have never had those, but my hubby has had too many to count…some so large he had to have lithotripsy to break them up. A urologist he used to see told him to quit drinking so much orange juice and to drink bottled water and NO tap water. He has not had one in many years now. Almost afraid to say that for fear another one will appear.
    Hope that is your first and last one.
    I enjoy your columns.
    Pat Kelly

  5. this article is hilarious! my sister really knows how to see the humor in life.
    great writing …sis! keep them coming!

  6. Been there, done that. I told my wife that IF having a baby was as difficult as dealing with kidney stones (I’ve had them several times long ago) and I had to have our babies, ONE would have been all we would have had.

    G. C. Lee

  7. Great article know it wasn’t funny at the time. I’ve never had ‘the stone’ but have seen my Dad suffer through them.

  8. Sherry, I’m so glad you are better! I am looking forward to your visit!! Wish you were here now, the auction is tomorrow night!

  9. Sherry,
    My daughter had them too and was told to restrict her salt intake in addition to increasing fluids. So sorry you had to go through this!

  10. Sherry,
    Haven’t incurred the rath of the stone but I remember my dad’s agony a few times, about the time we were in high school.
    Glad you weathered the stone- have any extra pills?LOL

  11. Cuz, not a Diva but I feel the pain. Had stones 5 times, 3 required emergency visits. I was told they come in threes, let me know…

  12. Laughed and enjoyed…just knowing you were Sandy’s sister made it funnier…I see the family connection. I had a bladder spasm that made me think I was going to die and now always(for 12 years) carry little red pills. Pain talks!

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