Chain saw massacre in Mississippi

chain saw blade My friend, Putt, cut church on Sunday to stay home and change the blade on her chain saw.  In the process she massacred the tool.  Here are her 51 easy steps to change the blade – female style.  (Serves her right for cutting church.)

1. Wait until husband is out of town and all friends are at church.

2. Put on best robe. This is simple task, and there is no need to look sloppy just to work in the garage.

3. Locate chain saw.

4. Begin searching for new blade.

5. Curse

6. Give up search for new blade.

7. Look in owner’s manual for section on sharpening old blade.

8. Note that “Cleaning and Maintenance” section precedes sharpening section.

9. Following directions in OM, loosen nuts on chain holding case.

(Note, they turn the OTHER way, and if your hand slips, you can encounter the saw teeth with your pinky.)

10. Remove casing.

11. See tons of greasy, yucky gunk all in case and around saw parts.

12. Note that OM instructs you to clean gently with mild soap and water.

13. Go bring lavender scented soap and soft toothbrush.

(Do not re-use toothbrush.)

14. Gently start to remove gunk.

15. Continue removing gunk. Note that toothbrush is not effective.

16. Using shard of wood, try to remove gunk.

17. Using screwdriver, attempt to remove tiny slivers of wood.

18. Go for ice pick.

19. Dig all around the gunk trying to force it out.

20. Note that greasy stuff has somehow appeared on best robe.

21. Take case cover into bathroom and spray with shower cleaner.

(No, I’m not sure that is “gentle” soap, and I don’t care.)

22. Scrub the hell out of the case.

23. Decide that only an obsessive person would worry about every

little shred of gunk.

24. Return to garage. Repeat cleaning process with the blade.

(Wear gloves)

25. 3 hours later, reattach moderately cleaner case to chain saw body.

26. Smile. Sigh.

27. Return to OM.

(Figure they were probably kidding about not placing case cover under running water.)

28. Tighten nuts.

29. See that next step is to tighten tension knob.

30. Search for tension knob.

31. Read all parts of OM.

32. Search for tension knob.

33. Re-read parts list.

34. Remove case cover again, searching for the tension knob.

35. Note that there is no tension knob inside the case.

36. Return case cover.

37. Return to OM. Note that tension knob is not present on my

particular model chain saw.

38. Curse.

39. Read that MY chain saw has a tension screw instead of a tension knob.

40. Find tension screw.

41. Turn clockwise.

42. Continue until screw will not turn any more.

43. Test chain tension.

44. Wonder if “correct tension” means that chain hangs down 3 inches below blade.

45. Decide something must not be back in place properly.

46. Take everything apart.

47. Put back together

48. Get same result.

49. Repeat steps 45-49 5 times.

50. Curse this particular chain saw and all its predecessors

and descendents.

51. Take nap.

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