BY SHERRY JEFFCOAT WHITE
Well, there are some exceptions for sure. Emily Jones, our DeludedDiva herself has to have been separated from me at birth. She "gets" me, and I "get" her. She has me dying laughing at her columns when I am sitting there going "YES ME TOO! "
Some people don’t get me at all or see
my strange humor in things that most people would find humorless. How many times have you been telling someone something that you saw or heard that you found hilarious, and they are sitting there like they are waiting for the punch line? Then you say something stupid like " I guess you had to be there" hee hee.
Like, I just don’t get some things. Can anyone tell me if the hand blower dryers in public restrooms really dry your hands? They never do mine, I would always go out the door shaking my hands which were as wet as they were when I stuck my hands under the air. So the inventors of the thing have come up with this new kind of blower that practically blows your skin off your hands and your hands STILL aren’t dry !
I mean how are we conserving by saving on paper, yet using up lots of electricity? The worst part of the new powerful dryers is that as my skin gets older, all I can see is loose skin being flapped back and forth. I have gotten to where I just walk out the door with wet hands. Why subject myself to that ordeal only to still have wet hands?
There is this trend that is disturbing to me lately. Actually I guess you can’t call something a trend that has hung on for 30 plus years. I just keep hoping that next year will bring change. I am talking about women who wear "plus size" clothing.
First of all why even have a special department that makes you feel like crap when you even enter it? I mean why can’t they just include the clothes on the general rack, like go from a size 0 to 28 without calling attention to it?
The worst part though is that somehow the designers think that when your dress size goes up, your IQ goes down. Why else would they start after the XL size, completely redesigning their clothes? All of a sudden all you see in the Plus Size department is a mass of huge flowers, horrid designs, and everything has rhinestones and beads on it! I just wanted ONE size bigger of the cute sexy XL blouse that you had over in the cute clothes section.
This practice has disturbed me for years, because I am right on that narrow little separation from XL to the next size. I will stand there looking in the dressing room mirror, dying to buy the blouse I have on that is the XL, knowing it won’t exist over on the fat girl section.
So I either buy it and wear it too tight, or leave 50 outfits for the clerk to have to put back out. HA! They always love that too. One lady at one certain store sees me coming and always takes a break. I always make up some lie like I am going on a cruise and need to try on all of these clothes. What I really have is everything in XL and one size bigger, hope lives on.
What I don’t understand either is why they think because you wear a larger size, that you have much longer arms. The bigger blouses have arms that hang down to my feet! I think the answer to these fashion questions is very simple actually. Most clothing designers are MEN! Now does that make any sense? How in the heck does a man know where most women’s trouble spots are, or what we find comfortable? I can see them now drawing their little designs, putting zippers, buttons, and non stretch material in every design. I say "Give me elastic or give me nothing at all!"
Oh and don’t even get me started on swimsuits. For men, they design swimsuits that look like shorts, even come down to the knees or even BELOW the knees. Ladies, you know what I am talking about. I had to take a valium when I went swimsuit shopping. Just entering that department made me have to take a deep breath and do 10 Hail Marys. It is traumatic!
Women’s swim suits are cut down to here and up to there. For the last couple of years, the designers have called themselves trying to cater to bigger women by putting bloomy skirts over the still too high cut bottoms. That doesn’t help does it? Because you still have the little spaghetti straps up top where you are falling out of the suit and squeezed up and out. I demand equal swimsuits for women!
Why can’t they make us longer legs, not bloomy skirts that float by themselves? Why can’t they give us little sleeves for our arms and a top that actually allows you to breathe and move your arms when you might actually HAVE TO SWIM! This is doable! It can still be the light weight swimming material. That’s a lot better than what I do. I wear real shorts that are cotton, and sink you like a rock. I learned that this year at the ocean, don’t swim in real clothes unless there is a lifeguard nearby.
Is this really too much to ask? It all falls back to most designers being male. They don’t know what women want! Same thing for the shoe designers. Do you think for one minute that a man would wear these new 7 inch heels they have created for us? That’s why I am still gluing in the inside pads on my 10 year old shoes, because I can’t find any new shoes that will accommodate my 62 year old feet and legs! More and more older women are wearing Reeboks to church!
You may can tell I have been traveling. I always encounter things that drive me crazy when I am getting ready to go on a trip or are on the trip. The clothes, swim suit, and shoe shopping drove me crazy when I was getting ready to go to the beach a few weeks ago with my sister. I shopped for days and came up with one blouse and some new underwear.
On my drive down to Florida, I kept thinking, dang you would think these Floridians and all of these vacationers would have paid for these toll roads by now. Every few minutes I was throwing money in a big basket. I am not talking pennies either. They want blood, you are throwing dollar bills in there now PLUS change. You would think if you are on a road you paid to get on that they would actually have BATHROOMS to use. But NOOOOOOO, you have to get off the toll road to go to a restroom and then pay to get back on the road!
Another odd thing happened to me on my way down to Orlando. It is a fairly long drive, but over the years, I have always driven it in a day, no problem. About 4 hours into my trip, I start getting these pains in my back. I start thinking okay it sort of feels like that kidney stone I had last year oh no oh no. Okay gather my thoughts, how do you find the quickest hospital, how do you call an ambulance from the interstate bumper to bumper TOLL ROAD traffic? I calm myself down, talk to a friend on my cell who tries to politely tell me that I am not as young as I was when I used to make those long drives. She says it could just be my back from sitting so long. WHATTTT??????? Are you crazy? Driving for 4 hours can NOT hurt like this! Just to placate her, I decided to stop and spend the night in a motel. Well the strangest thing, the pain went away, whew, must have been a quick kidney stone.
I could leave the story at that, but have to tell you that on the return trip home, that same freak phantom pain hit me again after about 4 hours. Hmmmm, good thing I had made hotel reservations for the night, and again oddly enough, felt great when starting out the next morning. Denial can be a beautiful thing.
(Sherry is a regular contributor to the Deluded Diva and she’s a card carrying member of this little club.)