Join me in a toast

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My local newspaper asked me to make some predictions for 2010. Sorry, I said. My crystal ball is in the shop.

But I can shoot a few from the hip.  There will be pestilence in the Middle East and muggings in Philadelphia.  There will be an earthquake somewhere in the world and a snow storm tonight in America.

I will have 1,000 senior moments and remember less than a dozen. I will pitch out all my chips and cookies at 11:59 p.m. tonight, and go out and retrieve them from the trash at 4:30 p.m. tomorrow afternoon.  The only thing I will leave in the garbage is my half gallon of Mexican Praline ice cream because it will be all melted into the coffee grounds.

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Have you discovered this delicacy yet?  Mexican Praline is produced by Blue Bell and I’ve only been able to find it at CVS Pharmacy.  I plan to file it on my 2009 income tax return as “medication.” But I digress, back to the resolutions:

I will lose 22.5 pounds and regain 23. But hey.  At that rate I will still be under 200 pounds by mid-century.  But the Mayans indicate the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012.  So if they’re right,  who cares?

Sixty-five million people will dutifully write down their New Year’s resolutions tomorrow and sixty-four million will break them by Wednesday.  That other million will probably die of natural causes between now and than.

The only resolution I’m certain I can keep is to avoid cocaine in 2010.  I don’t know where to buy it and Mexican Praline Blue Bell Ice Cream is my drug of choice.

Happy New Year.  May all your dreams come true in the coming year.

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