My local newspaper asked me to make some predictions for 2010. Sorry, I said. My crystal ball is in the shop.
But I can shoot a few from the hip. There will be pestilence in the Middle East and muggings in Philadelphia. There will be an earthquake somewhere in the world and a snow storm tonight in America.
I will have 1,000 senior moments and remember less than a dozen. I will pitch out all my chips and cookies at 11:59 p.m. tonight, and go out and retrieve them from the trash at 4:30 p.m. tomorrow afternoon. The only thing I will leave in the garbage is my half gallon of Mexican Praline ice cream because it will be all melted into the coffee grounds.
Have you discovered this delicacy yet? Mexican Praline is produced by Blue Bell and I’ve only been able to find it at CVS Pharmacy. I plan to file it on my 2009 income tax return as “medication.” But I digress, back to the resolutions:
I will lose 22.5 pounds and regain 23. But hey. At that rate I will still be under 200 pounds by mid-century. But the Mayans indicate the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012. So if they’re right, who cares?
Sixty-five million people will dutifully write down their New Year’s resolutions tomorrow and sixty-four million will break them by Wednesday. That other million will probably die of natural causes between now and than.
The only resolution I’m certain I can keep is to avoid cocaine in 2010. I don’t know where to buy it and Mexican Praline Blue Bell Ice Cream is my drug of choice.
Happy New Year. May all your dreams come true in the coming year.