Just who is the nebulous "they"?

test tube people

Is this them, the people they call “they”?

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“They” can’t be trusted. But just who is “they” anyway?

First “they” told us chocolate caused acne so I cleared out the chocolate. I berated myself endlessly when I lapsed into a chocolate stupor and canceled all social engagements as I waited for the big “breakout.” It took decades for that study to be debunked. Suddenly chocolate is heralded as almost as good as Prozac – especially for women.

Then, “they” said caffeine would kill us. Just about the time I finally weaned myself off that much maligned drug, “they” tell us it’s perfectly okay – even helps prevent some kinds of cancer and maybe even diabetes.

Are you as confused as I am about what we should be eating and drinking for better health? Almost weekly a new study is released that reverses the study done the week before.

“They” told us wine would protect against heart disease so we began to imbibe then “they” said “Oops – a few grapes a day would be just as beneficial.” So we joined AA and ate grapes until the wee hours of the morning.

“They” told us to lay off the butter until “they” discovered that the transfat in margarine was way worse and we should go back to butter. “They” said eggs would kill us, so eggs were reserved for Easter. Now “they” say not to worry, we would have to eat a dozen eggs a day to cause severe damage.

“They” say fat is bad, and carbs are good. Then they change their minds and say carbs are bad and fat is good. What’s a person to do?

But the worst joke they played on us was to tell us we are too fat. Overweight was killing us, would reverse the increases we were enjoying in longevity rates. So we starved ourselves silly and turned down grandmother’s chicken and dumplings, drooling as our skinny cousins got our share of the goodies.

Now they released a study last week alerting us that a little meat on the bones is healthier than being lean. I want to call my skinny cousins but they are all deceased.

Now, here’s what I want to know. Who is “they” and were did they go to school, and who is funding all these voluminous studies?

My one great hope is that the next study will find that exercise is bad; that it wears down our bones and ages us by decades; that the best diet choices are pizza and cheeseburgers; and that celery and carrots cause tooth decay.

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