Musings of formerly depressed woman

These are the times that try men’s souls and those of an occasional woman.
At first I thought I was suffering from postpartum depression but I had my last child in 1974 so that couldn’t be it.  Could it?
Then I thought it was a result of eight rounds of chemotherapy which probably destroyed all my endorphins along with the cancer cells.  Could be.

Then there’s that pesky aging thing.  There are mere hours remaining before I enter the 7th decade of life and I’m struggling to embrace those advanced years and view them as a blessing rather than a curse.   
Platitudes about “Silver linings” and “aging gracefully were grinding on my last nerve along with Marie Osmond ads for weight loss, not to mention those ridiculously expensive creams and serums promising reversal of all signs of aging.  I’ve tried them all and frankly, olive oil works just as well if you can stand looking a little slippery.
The fact is, I’ve been feeling confused and stuck for a while now.  The daily metaphorical floggings I’ve given myself for wasting precious time aimlessly puttering around the house while keeping one eye glued to Netflix doesn’t help.  Worse yet, i have nothing to show for all this questionable productivity.  
Facebook certainly doesn’t help as I read about my friends and their exciting adventures and accomplishments. In self defense I dug deeper into my comfort zone and had a growing desire to suck my thumb. 
Today I sat myself down and had a “Come to Jesus” meeting. It was time to snap out of this funk and fall in love with life again.  As if by magic I spied a little book “Finding Your Way Home” by Melody Beattie.  It was buried deep down in the stack of books on my bedside table, 
I opened automatically to page 213 as if someone was turning the pages for me and there it was – the answer to my dilemma.  “When life brings you down, as it often does…consciously surrender all control to a Higher Power.”    A voice in my head was begging – give it up, Em or you’ll make a bigger mess than you’ve already done, 
Beattie goes on to remind us that surrendering control is the gateway to better times, miracles even.
“When we let things happen  rather than trying to make them happen, we unlock a door to a wider range of potential results. Wow. What a concept.  Surrender everything and get out of the way and watch what the man upstairs does.   I even wrote down all my little disappointments and failures on a piece of paper and set fire to it.  (I suspect I have a few pyromanic tendencies which made this exercise even more fun.)  
I did feel better and some force from the great beyond pulled on my running shoes and pushed me out the door.  I had no idea where I was going or why but in my surrendered state I wasn’t driving and didn’t care. i cant tell you what happened on that run/walk, but the cloud of depression began to move out along with the spring storm  that was threatening. My winter of discontent is over..
Bring on the spring!

10 thoughts on “Musings of formerly depressed woman

  1. Some sunny, warm Spring weather will bring us joy! You are such an inspiration to me and others! Prayers for good health! Thanks for my birthday greeting! 76 is not so bad! Every day is a blessing!

  2. You need not beat yourself up if you are not constantly achieving. I treasure my down time. Watching Netflix pleases me better than anything some days.

  3. Emily, it’s hell being normal! I can tell you as one past your upcoming numerical event that it changes nothing and if you keep walking you’ll quickly return to life.

  4. Treatment for bipolar disorder may include the use of mood stabilizers such as lithium . Certain anticonvulsants, antipsychotics, and benzodiazepines may also be used to stabilize mood. Sometimes antidepressants are given in combination with mood stabilizers to boost the depressed mood, although antidepressants are often not as effective as some mood stabilizers or certain atypical antipsychotics for treating depression in bipolar disorder.

  5. Dear Emily,
    I’m so glad you found my blog. I was born and bred in Chicago but now I live in England!
    I am 77 years old and I find I really enjoy life once I came to terms with my mortality.
    When you face death it’s like a motivator to live every day to the fullest.
    I am the happiest I’ve been in years and looking forward to the 80 mark!
    Keep in touch, like you said I think we are kindred spirits even though we are over 4000 miles apart!
    Your Friend, Dave aka Writer Dave

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