At first I thought I was suffering from postpartum depression but I had my last child in 1974 so that couldn’t be it. Could it?
Then I thought it was a result of eight rounds of chemotherapy which probably destroyed all my endorphins along with the cancer cells. Could be.
Then there’s that pesky aging thing. There are mere hours remaining before I enter the 7th decade of life and I’m struggling to embrace those advanced years and view them as a blessing rather than a curse.
Platitudes about “Silver linings” and “aging gracefully were grinding on my last nerve along with Marie Osmond ads for weight loss, not to mention those ridiculously expensive creams and serums promising reversal of all signs of aging. I’ve tried them all and frankly, olive oil works just as well if you can stand looking a little slippery.
The fact is, I’ve been feeling confused and stuck for a while now. The daily metaphorical floggings I’ve given myself for wasting precious time aimlessly puttering around the house while keeping one eye glued to Netflix doesn’t help. Worse yet, i have nothing to show for all this questionable productivity.
Facebook certainly doesn’t help as I read about my friends and their exciting adventures and accomplishments. In self defense I dug deeper into my comfort zone and had a growing desire to suck my thumb.
Today I sat myself down and had a “Come to Jesus” meeting. It was time to snap out of this funk and fall in love with life again. As if by magic I spied a little book “Finding Your Way Home” by Melody Beattie. It was buried deep down in the stack of books on my bedside table,
I opened automatically to page 213 as if someone was turning the pages for me and there it was – the answer to my dilemma. “When life brings you down, as it often does…consciously surrender all control to a Higher Power.” A voice in my head was begging – give it up, Em or you’ll make a bigger mess than you’ve already done,
Beattie goes on to remind us that surrendering control is the gateway to better times, miracles even.
“When we let things happen rather than trying to make them happen, we unlock a door to a wider range of potential results. Wow. What a concept. Surrender everything and get out of the way and watch what the man upstairs does. I even wrote down all my little disappointments and failures on a piece of paper and set fire to it. (I suspect I have a few pyromanic tendencies which made this exercise even more fun.)
I did feel better and some force from the great beyond pulled on my running shoes and pushed me out the door. I had no idea where I was going or why but in my surrendered state I wasn’t driving and didn’t care. i cant tell you what happened on that run/walk, but the cloud of depression began to move out along with the spring storm that was threatening. My winter of discontent is over..
Bring on the spring!