As we enter the winter of 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am soooo much better informed.
Thanks to you, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up a .25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over to pick it up.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this [age to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . . ..
A P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
Now y’all have a great week.
(Editor’s note: I wish I knew you wrote this post. Wasn’t me, but it could have been.)