The fine line between beauty and porn

more hair

Today I was working on my taxes and was flabbergasted to see what I’ve spent on my hair in the past 12 months.  It was obscene. I could have financed a small country, yet the bad hair days still outnumber the good hair days twenty to one.

hair

The monthly hair cuts, the bi-monthly gray-zapping color, and the plethora  of hair care products added up to more than I spent on food!

I know most people would think my obsession with hair is way over the top and I’m ashamed.  But it’s a battle I’ve been fighting since I was 12 when my hair care regimen was limited to a bit of sugar water to paste my bangs in place and a bottle of Prell which lasted an entire year.

Does anyone remember Prell?  If you do, you probably shouldn’t admit it, because it will date you quicker than your laugh lines.

I’m still trying to find an escape from the “frump slump” which has been torturing me for months. So I looked around at my friends who seem to have developed an immunity to this malady.

more pressMy buddy, “Jan,” is the first to come to mind. That’s not her real name because she would kill me.  But “Jan” enters the room looking like a million bucks and  so put together, while I’m crawling around on the floor trying to retrieve my shoulder pad which fell out when I bent over to pull up my support hose. Bummer.

I’m probably  the only female on the planet who still wears shoulder pads – even with a tee shirt.  I think that little boost gives me an athletic look – like I’ve been working out at the gym. But that’s a topic for another day.

One day I sucked up my pride and asked “Jan” how she got her great hair. I’m still trying to create a “big hair” look with 2/3rds less hair and it’s not working.  She gave me a list of what I need to get  hot (or at least a luke warm) hair. I rushed out and got it all.

I bought  #12 Rough Play Paste, Big Sexy Powder Play, Smoking Bedhead Gel and  What  a Tease Backcomb in a Bottle. It sounded like the ingredients for a cheap porn flick.

I washed my hair and applied all the products as directed, and for once in my life, I had big beautiful hair.  At the Lenten service this week, no would would sit behind me because they couldn’t see the pastor over my hair.  It was a glorious moment.

The next morning I couldn’t separate my hair from the pillow but I was one happy girl.  I wonder when “bed head” became de rigueur, and who knew how difficult it would be to achieve the look you used to get for free when you woke up in the morning.

5 thoughts on “The fine line between beauty and porn

  1. Laugh, Laugh, Laugh, I can just see you now.
    If I had tried those products, I would probably
    be stuck to Callie Jane, my cat. Didn’t you know,
    thin hair is in. Or at least that’s what I see on TV.
    My solution however, is still pink curlers in my hair
    each night, at least in top, short in back and sides.
    Giving up on the color thing…I’m sure I’ll look
    like a skunk until my old color wears off.
    Cheers – Mol

  2. I admit I remember Prell shampoo!! So there it is, I am admitting my age!! What a great article!! You rock Emily:)

  3. I woke up with hair that would make a rooster proud yesterday… too much product and like Susanne, I too remember Prell. Was that a long time ago?

  4. Emily,

    How come you did not write books for a living, or get on tour with Dennis Miller?
    I cannot wait to read your comments at night, they make my day, tells you how exciting my days are, but, I really do not mean that the way it sounds.
    I have sent your articles to many of my friends, you are a delight to read.
    Of course, I remember Prell,and Tony home perms!
    I, too have 2/3 of the dark hair I used to have, it is now grey, way toooooo much
    money trying to keep it colored. Haircuts, products, and yes, I have perms (not kinky tight ones) so my hair bill is right up there with my food bill too!!
    Keep writing!!!!

  5. Tony Perms! I just had a flash back to the smell of rotten eggs. Remember that? I hated perm day which my mother insisted on doing about every six months. Thanks for the memory.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>