I filed my taxes on time last week, but really didn’t even look at the document my accountant gave me. I just blindly signed on the dotted line and mailed the amount owed.
Today I actually looked at the document and I’m reminded why I pay someone else to do my taxes. Hats off to the intelligent soul that files his own taxes and manages to avoid audit.
Here are some excerpts from my tax return:
Are you Single or married filing jointly? Answer: It’s Complicated and there’s not enough space to explain.
Line 1. Wages, salaries, and tips. This should be shown in box 1 of your Form(s) W-2. If it is not, you might not technically be employed. Attach your Form(s) W-2.
Line 2. Taxable interest. If the total is over $1500, you cannot use Form 1040EZ. It is not our job to tell you which form you should use instead. It is your responsibility, resourceful taxpayer, to determine this yourself.
Line 3. Add lines 1 and 2. Divide by pi. Add 17. Multiply by Avogadro’s Number and subtract your resting heart rate. This is your adjusted gross income.
Line 4. If someone can claim you (or your spouse if a joint return) as a dependent and you’re earning enough income to pay taxes, you’re probably old enough to move out of their basement by now. If no one can claim you (or your spouse if a joint return), enter $8,950 if single; $17,900 if married filing jointly.
Line 5. Subtract line 5 from line 4. If line 5 is larger than line 4, but less than line 2 and greater than line 1, what time will Train A overtake Train B? This is your taxable income.
PAYMENTS & TAX
Line 6. Federal income tax withheld from box 2 of your Form(s) W-2. Enter on line 7. Weep softly to self.
Line 8. Earned income credit (EIC) (see page 12 of booklet)
Booklet, page 12: You’re not eligible.
Line 9. Recovery rebate credit (see worksheet on pages 17 and 18 of booklet)
Booklet, pages 17-18: Please complete this 25 step worksheet to confirm that you’re not eligible.
Line 10. Tax For Propping Up Next Failing Industry: Enter $1,200 if single; $1,800 if joint return.
Line 11. War on Terror Tax (see page 911 of booklet)
Line 12. Golden Parachute Tax (see page 700 billion of booklet)
Line 13. Add lines 8,9,10,11 and 12. These are your total payments.
Line 14. Arbitrary Tax Tax. Enter $134.26 if single; $0.74 if joint return.
Line 15. Add lines 13 & 14. These are your actual total payments. Disregard line 13.
Line 16. For no reason in particular, enter line 15 again.
Line 17. Use the amount on line 6 above to find your tax in the tax table on pages 28-36 of the booklet. If amount is more than $12,550, you cannot use Form 1040EZ. Please use form 1040WTF!!?? Enter the tax from the table on this line.
Aw, gee. It’s worth paying someone else to decifer any form supplied by the federal “guvment.”