Today I was reborn as a French Woman which means I am a bit disheveled and pouty. But that’s to be expected of a former Mississippi girl come French woman.
It’s still the wee hours of 2017 and I’m eating Nutella from the jar while wearing bluish red lipstick. It just doesn’t get any better than this.
I’ve been taking French lessons, and it suddenly occurred to me that I can live like a French woman with just a few tweaks. Don’t worry. The cigarette is candy.
You’ve all heard that French women do everything better. They don’t get old, they don’t get fat, they have an innate sense of style, with perpetually messy hair. They don’t even need to wear makeup or work out. Hooey. I can do that even if I only pretend I’m doing it successfully.
In 2017 I will wear sweatpants everywhere, provided I call them “joggers.” After all, we’re living in a golden age of comfy dressing — a lazy girl’s fashion paradise. Here are a few things you need to do if you want to play French with me.
1. Go through your wardrobe, pull out every uncomfortable piece of clothing you own, bag it up, and stuff it somewhere — under your bed, in the trunk of your car, or wherever. You’re not throwing it away, you’re just getting it out of your sight so you can focus on the comfy clothes you actually want to wear. All that other stuff is just taking up space.
2. Make “easy on, easy off” your new fashion mantra. No buttons, hooks, and snaps. If you can’t pull it on and off in under three seconds, you’re not going to want to wear it. With all the great drawstring pants and shorts, trapeze dresses, and stretchy fabrics on the market these days, you never have to.
3. Don’t even think about wearing high heels. Flats, sneakers, and low chunky heels are totally chic. Day or night. Work or weekend. You don’t need to wear a stiletto to look good and you don’t need them sitting in your closet mocking you. Understand I am the New French Woman who values comfort above all else.
4. Real butter is healthy again and I’m in. I haven’t bought that science project “margarine” in years and I never will again. Everything tastes better in EVOO mixed with real butter and a splash of lemon juice. It even works on your face to fight that leathery look.
5. Decor is especially easy to switch your style to French. Make sure you have lots of furniture with peeling paint and gilded handles. If not, beat your table with a chain and paint the legs gold. I was going to get my old bathtub refinished but decided to hang sheers instead.