Food police suck the joy out of dining

food joy

If anyone is paying attention to the constantly changing dietary guidelines issued by the food police, you probably have whiplash by now. The U. S. Nutrition Panel is proposing some radical changes to the long accepted dietary guidelines and I’m livid.

cartoonI spent the entire decade of the 1980s limiting myself to one cup of coffee per day which made me irritable not to mention so drowsy I shouldn’t have been allowed to operate my hair dryer. Instead of salt I used something that tasted like a cross between a science project and rat poison…well I haven’t actually tasted rat poison, but that’s what I imagine it would taste like. Now the panel is studying the notion that low-salt diets might actually be unhealthy.

Surprise, surprise, the guvment now admits they got it all wrong telling us cholesterol and fat cause high cholesterol and fat thighs. The panel is now encouragingm us to knock back five or more cups of Joe which will make our minds sharp and stave off dementia. Well, what are they going to do about us conscientious folks who listened to their caffeine warnings and 30 years later can’t remember where our car is parked or even what make and model we are driving? Huh, Uncle Sam and your food Nazis? It’s your fault and I’m considering legal action.

egg

Then there’s the incredible egg which was considered a product of the devil himself. Thankfully I ignored the rule to limit my egg consumption to two a week and made up for my caffeine deficiency with omelets, quiches and deviled eggs (which is probably how that dish got its name. Either I lived through it or I’m among the walking dead.

Yes, Henny Penny, the sky is no longer falling and you can begin spitting out eggs again like a gumball machine. And to the little Morton Salt girl (who is now a 104 year old woman who still looks pretty good), you can take off your raincoat and get in your rocking chair. The sun is out and salt is okay again – well, if your doctor says so.

ding dong

The new demon of the day is sugar. Yeah, well, I wonder how many years it will take for the food police to reverse that ruling and issue a statement calling for daily servings of Ding Dongs and Googoo Clusters. I wouldn’t be surprised if they decide decades down the road that tobacco cures blindness and eating magnolia leaves will reduce racism.

All this focus on “eat this, not that” is beginning to get on my nerves, and it’s sucking the joy out of eating. One of life’s great pleasures used to be when families and friends would gather around the dinner table and savor recipes passed down from grandmothers and great grandmothers. No one cared what was in the delectable dishes and we lapped up to-die-for casseroles made with that science project called margarine which we now learn is typically hydrogenated, another no-no for your table. Yay, bring on the butter!

With all the confusion over dietary dos and don’ts, I’m thinking that we over-think every little thing in America until nothing is fun any longer. Me, I’m all for balanced eating and in my mind I see a seesaw on the playground with broccoli, cabbage on one end and a lemon ice box pie and homemade fudge on the other. Now that’s balanced eating, my friend.

My rule is anything is fine so long as you eat it over the kitchen sink. I am gonna buy the biggest wheel of cheddar I can find!! As long as I eat it with fresh sliced apples I should be fine. Oh, and what hardship and guilt I have endured eating eggs and cheese while worrying about my cholesterol. But now that I can have them, I probably won’t want them as much…..

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