I had no idea that people have been talking behind my back about my problem.
You know the one: my penchant for ordering all that cheap useless stuff that is advertised on late night television.
I even know my credit card number by heart. You can probably count on one hand the number of people who can say that.
I got a note from my friend, Marie, who suggested I need counseling, and she remembered in graphic detail some of my more outrageous purchases which reflect the sad state of my gullibility.
My latest purchase was a lantern from the Baltimore lantern company. It looked huge in the photo and for only $12.99 I ordered one for my neighbor, Brenda, for Christmas and got a second one as a bonus. I thought it would look so cute hanging in her back yard. And it does, assuming you have 20/20 eyesight. Otherwise you will never see the six inch lantern – made to hold a birthday candle perhaps?
The lantern was one of a long line of purchases that failed to delight. My friend remembered the rubber shoes from China that gave me a rash, and I had to go to the doctor for a shot and a round of penicillin. Then there was the Slapchop Vegetable Chopper which left a big crack in the marble on my center island, and the Miracle Mop for which I paid $39.99 and found one for $14.99 at the local Wal-mart. These and 40 other such purchases are stuffed into my coat closet awaiting the next trip to the Palmer Home thrift shop. They even give me a tax write-off for all the junk, but no where near what I actually paid for it along with postage and “handling.”
There’s the Forever Comfy Gel Seat Cushion I had planned to put in the driver’s seat of my auto to cover up a tear in the leather. It made me sit up so high my head bumped the ceiling of my truck.
Brenda called to tell me I could stop ordering these “exciting, must have items” because Walgreen, Fred’s and CVS all have entire sections devoted to the “As Seen on TV” items. But I’ve yet to find the “jowl tape” which you tape in your hairline to pull up and conceal a double chin. It only provided 16 pieces of tape which meant I could only look svelte eight times, assuming I used one on both sides so I wouldn’t appear lop sided.
“Guess I need to talk to Braddock about taking your credit card away!!!,” concluded Marie.
“Hey Marie,” wrote my friend Norma. “You forgot all the “miracle” creams she orders.” Hey, hold on girls. I look pretty good for 92! And I bet both of you covet my small black handbag which holds two bottles of water and an umbrella. (But there’s no room left for my wallet.) I was about to order Mr. Steamy for my dryer which promises to take the wrinkles out of clothes. But someone reminded me that’s what the dryer does all on its on. Well, duh. Saved that $4.99…